Blog of Sara Jakša

Nonviolent Communication

Last weekend, I have attended the class for non-violent communication. One of the main messages of the non-violent communication is that we all have needs, and the conflicts only arise, when we are insistent on taking care of this needs in a certain way.

For me, the biggest take away was finding out which needs I was ignoring overall in the recent months. I have been making a couple of adjustments already based on that. I think having some experience in minimalism, it helps.

The empirical phenomenology also helped with discovering feelings. The feelings are supposed to be these things, that are based in the body. And I have gotten preety good over the last couple of years in recognizing them.

But instead of talking about this today, what I wanted to do it to record the techniques we used for later.

Empathic listening

  • Make sure to be completely present
  • Do NOT give advice, facts, own stories, pity or condolence
  • Do be quietly present, have focus on another person, repeat what they said and use sentences like: you feel like X because you need Y

Expressing your needs

  • OBSERVATIONS - When I see/hear X (the more exact the better, citations are the best)
  • FEELINGS - I feel Y
  • NEEDS - because I need W
  • ASKING - so I ask your for Z (something that the person can do and somebody outside can tell if they did it)

Here the suggestion was, that the worse the situation was, the smaller the step should be.

Self-Empathy

  • TRIGGER - What made you experience negative emotions?
  • THINKING - Let it all out...
  • FEELINGS - What are your body feelings?
  • NEEDS - Which need is not satisfied here?
  • SOLUTIONS - How could this need be satisfied?

The breathing is important part here.

Dealing with Situation

  • POWER
  • SHAME
  • CONNECTING WITH ONESELF
  • CONNECTING WITH OTHERS

Thanking

  • OBSERVING - What did this person do? Be exact.
  • FEELING - How did it make you feel?
  • NEEDS - What need was satisfied with this?