Blog of Sara Jakša

My Decision: Lightworker vs. Darkworker

I have recently revisited the polarization way of seeing the world. I think the reason I have come and read this again, is because I do want to eventually specialize. But none of the two pictures seems like a definitive ones. Both are the ones that I want to experience.

I know that pre-polarized people use both of them, and I can see this in my own life as well. If I had to say, which one do I use more, I would actually say fear a lot more than love. The content of my thoughts is usually more love (or outwards) oriented, and my biases also pull me in that direction. But energy wise, when I really do something with a lot of energy, it is usually fear based.

Also, talking with people more, I realize how much more do they care about other people. I mean, sure I think about my family and worry about them, but there is where the cycle stops. I can not imagine that I would worry about my friends, especially, if there is nothing that I would be able to do.

For example, before I left for Bratislava, a friend of mine implied, that his world was upturned. It was hard to tell from the message, but based on the way it was said, I would say that it was mostly negative. But considering that he did not ask for my help, I don't know why I should worry. I mean, I have been abroad for more than a month, and this is a first that that I have even though about it.

Even when I do things for other people, it is a lot of times fear based. I mean, I want to feel that love that everybody talks about, but either I feel it all the time, and I don't really notice it, or it is simply not there.

But on the other side, I do trust the universe and I want to continue trust the universe. I know that for most people this is a contradiction, and maybe it is something that I need to resolve. But I honestly believe that everything will work our eventually. But it seems that in order to embrace the fear polarity, I would also need to throw away that trust.

Though, now that I think about it a bit more, there are things that are love based that I like doing. I liked leading the Table Topics at the Toastmasters club. I liked seeing people do things that were downright weird, knowing that it will help at least some of the people come out of their comfort zone. You did not do the Table Topics, until the people on the stage had to have a speech without words, sang, or have a dialog, where they pretended they were a person of a different gender with the fetish. The last one was even very fun for the people in the audience.

It is frustrating, because the article implies that the lack of focus is what is holding people back. And I am unable, like in a lot of parts of my life, to close the doors on some opportunities. I guess, not that I have written this down like that, this is one of the things that I have problem doing. Closing the doors and leaving the dead ends to be dead ends.

I guess I can practice this underlying problem first, by either making sure that I close all the loops, by either stopping them or by finishing them and moving on. I guess, for this last sentence, I am still simply hoping that cosmetic corrections will help with the solution.

I am an economist, so I know the dangerous of sunk cost. But simply being aware of it does not make it easier to avoid it. I need to make sure that some of my projects finish already, by my simply not doing them. Maybe then I will have an easier time dealing with the world. :)