Blog of Sara Jakša

Do We Need To Apologize?

I am sorry. I apologize. Just some of the words, that express our guilt, our sorrow and our regret at what had happened. Some of them are use, no matter who is responsible, but some of them, like ‘I apologize', are only used, when we were the ones, responsible for the result.

But does these words actually help anybody? Lets look at the person apologizing first. With apologizing, the person can get the feeling, that they had at least partly make up for what they did.

But do not let that deceive you. By apologizing, you are actually giving your power away. For a chance of instant gratification and a possibility of getting something of your chest, can lead to addictive behaviour, where you do not think about the consequences, since you can apologize later, making worse decisions.

Also by apologizing, you are giving the apologiee the control over a part of your life. After all, you well-being is depended on the person's reaction to you apology. After all, can you get your dose of a good feeling, if the person does not accept your apology?

On the other hand, the person, that is being apologized to, only have the feeling, that the person acknowledge what they did. There is no guarantee, of not happening again or any help that they would get with the worse situation.

It is true, that they get some power over their emotional state, but most people do not know, what to do with it, or are not even aware of it. Thought, if misused, even by accident, it can lead to some unfavourable consequences.

So instead of apologizing, try making up to the world. Do not speak the words of being sorry. Just do something good for anybody, if you have to get that feeling of goodness back.

It is a principal, that I like, but the best description that I saw was in the book titles ‘A Question of Power' by Bessie Head. The main character is wondering how to apologize, but before even uttering the word, the answer came. "You will make up for it."

Since you are doing what you want to do (I never said you have to help the person, that you wronged), you are not giving the power away. You can always decide, to do it or not to. There are no expectations either.

But since we are all connected, you are giving the world and all of us your time and energy. In a way, making up for it. And the world can become a better place, instead of the place, where people give their power away on social protocols.